A More Inventive Title
by A Certain Individual
Summary: Silly little poems. Harry is a major hottie, Snape finds himself more than a little tempted. Hermione is a bad girl and so is Harry (without the sex change). Everything you want to know about Ron. What happens in the next book? We are tired of waiting.
1. An Ode To Harry Potty

An Ode to Harry Potty   
  
An ode, an ode to Harry Potty   
He is such a major hottie   
His hair's unruly, it gets knotty   
Like his name he makes us potty   
  
When he was a baby he used a cotty   
He brushed his teeth so they wouldn't rotty   
He goes to class to get real swotty   
Using a quill to take his jotty   
  
A liar and cheat are what he's notty   
He wipes he nose so it won't get snotty   
When he grows up he'll buy a yachty   
And learn Morse code where things get dotty   
  
Behold his perfect lily-white botty   
A scar like lightening is what he's gotty   
He's so cute, we are besotty   
With the one named Harry Potty 


	2. Snape Has PotterSized Problems

Snape Has Potter-Sized Problems  
  
Snape strode down the corridor  
His anger in full swing  
He hung a left and walked upstairs  
Towards the dark East Wing  
  
Where he walked, his cape swished past  
In ultra-billow mode  
He turned right and stopped his pace  
In front of his humble abode  
  
He spoke the password, stepped inside  
And where no one could peer  
He bawled out his eyes, and sank to his knees  
Like someone facing their worst fear  
  
He cursed as he wept, and he screamed to the sky  
"I hate that evil Potter!  
Too long has his innocence tempted me!  
No man alive is hotter!"  
  
His thoughts strayed to Lord Voldemort  
And he condemned his luck  
Death Eater meetings and burning Dark Marks  
Who really gives a fuck?  
  
He couldn't have Harry was all that mattered  
And even if he tried  
The little Potter loathed him  
And would committ suicide  
  
Snape wiped his tears and straightened his robes  
Vowing as he did  
If he couldn't have Harry Potter  
He'd bang that Weasley kid 


	3. Limericks About Hermione

A/N: Someone asked, so I gave.   
  
Limericks About Hermione   
  
There once was a girl named Mione   
Who feared her appearance was homely   
So she straightened her hair, and shortened her teeth   
And dieted til she was bony (something I in no way approve of)   
  
Hermione was reading a book   
It was about Peregrin Took   
When LOTR came out, she gave a huge shout   
And just HAD to go take a look   
  
Her wand she frequently used   
Though it left her feeling a bit bruised   
"MY GOD I can see! More info for me!   
It does spells too!" she mused   
  
She never was late to class   
With the teacher who had a great ass   
She always peeked at Remus's seat   
Wishing that he'd make a pass   
  
One day she wanted more money   
So she let herself out as a honey   
She dressed like a whore and got Dumbledore   
Now everyone, isn't that funny? ("NO! It's sick!!" I hear you screaming)  
  
Mione was a good girl   
For her, school went by in a whirl   
A thousand boys faces, all at different bases   
But only one she had given her pearl 


	4. Formula Fiction Addiction

A/N: I LOVE this title.  
  
Formula Fiction Addiction  
  
Will the waiting ever end?  
I think I'm going round the bend.  
I'm waiting for the next fab book  
To come out, then I'll take a look.  
  
While I read I'll jump with joy  
As I discover Voldie's ploy  
Herm, Ron, and Harry will save the day  
Then, much to Draco's dismay  
Griffindor will win again!  
Slytherin's scream and writhe in pain.  
  
A Quidditch match, a potions class  
Snape's a jerk, let's kick his ass!  
Someone might get hurt or die!  
(To Cedric J.K. waved goodbye)  
  
Spells and charms and songs galore  
Courtesy of Dumbledore.  
How does she come up with this stuff?  
Don't stop writing! It's not enough!  
  
END  
  
A/N: I hope you enjoyed that poem as much as did. If you did, let me know by clicking on the little go button next to the words that say 'submit review'. It might drive you crazy to know that I ave a whole bunch of un-posted poems just waiting for a large amount of ego-boosting reviews. Thank you, have a nice day.   
  
P.S. I want a more inventive title. Any suggestions? 


	5. Haiku's About Harry

A/N: Haiku's are definitely fun to come up with.  
  
Haiku's About Harry  
  
THE Harry Potter  
He keeps fighting Voldemort  
Will he ever stop?  
  
Uses a broomstick  
Seeker for a Quidditch team  
He scores in bed too  
  
He is such a slut  
Hordes of girls go to his bed  
He won't share with Ron (the bastard!)  
  
Hermione G.  
Smart and wise and beautiful  
She is his best screw  
  
Getting too one-track  
Can't stop thinking about sex  
Going to stop now  
  
END  
  
A/N: There is a hilarious Harry Potter fanfic in which Hermione describes Ron as "such a slut" to Professor Snape. First person to find it gets these haiku's dedicate to them for having such good taste. 


	6. I See Red

A/N: This one literally come from no where. It just plonked itself on my doorstep.  
  
I See Red  
  
It's a little known fact about Dumbledore  
The Hogwarts headmaster  
That he LOVES to dress in women's clothes  
It's that sexy feel he's after  
  
A beautiful pair of silk high-heels  
That he purchased at the mall  
To match a shimmering cream-coloured gown  
He'll be the belle of the ball  
  
A minute later black hotpants,  
Black gloves, and thigh-high boots  
A Madonna bra completes the look  
Tonight it's his own horn he toots  
  
Red: garters, pumps, a lace/satin teddie,  
And fishnet hose as well  
Gold tassels hang from his nipples  
(This is how I imagine hell)  
  
He admires himself in the mirror  
Tilting his head left and right  
Too late does he hear the door open  
And someone gasp in fright  
  
"Minerva, I can explain." He pleads  
But her expression grows duller  
"There is no excuse Albus,  
Red is simply not your colour."  
  
END  
A/N: A little weird I know, but ehhhhh, what are you going to do? (not flame me I hope). The Red outfit comes from chapter 4 of Parody Paradise by Ivory Tower, as does the quote "Red is simply not your colour". I highly recommend you read it, though be aware, it is definitely an R.  
COMING UP NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!: Alliterations About Ron. 


	7. Alliterations About Ron

Alliterations About Ron  
  
Always 'Appy  
Bloody Brilliant  
Who knew a sidekick could be so resilient?  
  
Chess Champion  
Divination's Divine  
It's for Ron Weasley the fangirls all pine.  
  
Elderly Errol  
Family Fowl  
He delivers letters, don't ask me how.  
  
Gorgeously Gallant  
Horribly Hilarious  
Battling Voldemort can be precarious.  
  
Immature Idiot  
Jealous Jerk  
Being a sidekick does not have it's perks.  
  
Kinky Knob  
Lecherously Lusty  
His trunkful of condoms will never get dusty.  
  
Mother Molly  
Never Naughty  
Though once with Hermione she got a bit haughty.  
  
Old Objects  
Poor Prince  
Let's hope his parents have got richer since.  
  
Quietly Quirky  
Red-headed Ruffian  
I bet chocolate-chip are his favourite muffians.  
  
Six Siblings  
Terrible Taunting  
Why, the twins alone can be quite daunting.  
  
Unique Underdog  
Virtually Virgin-like  
If he wasn't Hermione would have his head on a pike.  
  
Wonderful Wizard  
Xtremely Xcellent  
But by now you must have gotton the hint.  
  
Yummiest Youngster  
Zealously Zesty  
If ever there was a lack of Ron, I know we'd all get testy.  
  
GO RON!  
  
End.  
  
A/N: Originally this wasn't going to rhyme, but the urge to rhyme was just too great. I'm not exceptionally proud of this one, but I said I would do it, so I did. I have about 5 other ones that I am very proud of, they are literally waiting to be posted. Yes, I'm cruel but I require reviews to soothe my fevered brow (and ego).  
  
COMING UP NEXT! (maybe): Sirius Sings A Silly Song (the title of which is: I Eat Rats. So that's something to look forward to.) 


	8. Sirius Sings A Silly Song

A/N: Hiding out and eating rats all the time isn't easy on Sirius, and it's not long before he starts composing songs and singing them to his imaginary friends.  
  
A Certain Individual: And now Mr. Sirius Black will sing for you: I Eat Rats.  
  
Sirius: Ahem. I thank you all for coming here, you are such a wonderful audience. Take it away Eric the orchestra leader!  
  
Imaginary Eric: And-a-one-a-two-a-one-two-three-four  
  
Sirius:  
  
Hiding out is not much fun  
And neither's being on the run  
The only thing that gets me through  
Is thoughts of a big rat stew  
  
Mmmmmm Rats!  
I love eating rats!  
Just can't get enough of them rats!  
Rats are all the fun in life and rats is what I eats!  
  
Roasted rats, barbecued rats,  
And rats deep fried in butter  
Deliciously addictive rats  
Food? There is no other!  
  
Slimy, wriggling, long rats tails  
For me nothing is sweeter  
I hunt rats with my butcher knife-  
OH GOD! DID I JUST EAT PETER?!?!?!?!?  
  
Mmmmmm Rats!  
I love eating rats!  
Jus tcan't get enough of them rats!  
It's what's for dinner!  
  
It's not easy having a secret you're too scared to share  
And whenever I send Harry letters while hiding in my lair  
I ask for food and other things so I can have my sup  
Little does he realise I use it to fatten the rats up!!! HAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Mmmmmm Rats!  
I love eating rats!  
Just can't get enough of them rats!  
Maybe I'm just a tad obsessed  
  
Mmmmmm Rats!  
I love eating rats!  
Just can't get enough of them rats!  
Someone please kill me now!  
  
A Certain Individual: And only 2 Monty Python references! Thank you Sirius.   
  
Sirius: [looks up from a half-eaten rat in his hands] What?  
  
A Certain Individual: Let's hear another round of reviews for Sirius Black ladies and gentleman! 


	9. The Depth Of A Parent's Denial

A/N: This tried to be a poem, but I just couldn't do it, so now it's a short story. I guess this means that this isn't just for poems, and that now I will also be posting songs and short short stories.   
  
The second I realised I hadn't come across any CONSENSUAL Harry/Dudley fic I immediately set about writing one, even at the guarantee of sickening myself and all of my readers (except the kinky ones J ).   
  
The Depth Of A Parent's Denial.   
  
Vernon and Petunia sat in the living room, enjoying their cups of afternoon tea. The only sounds to disturb the tranquility of the house were loud pounding noises coming from upstairs.   
  
"What's that noise Vernon?"   
"It's just Dudley beating the crap out of Harry again dear."   
"Oh. Good."   
  
The two settled back down into their peaceful oblivion. They had not realised that the sounds had obviously changed since the end of last summer, but that only goes to show the depth of denial a parent can have. They both settled down with happy smiles, as only a beating of Harry could deliver.   
  
Now the sounds were becoming steadily louder. They could hear Dudley grunting in exhertion and Harry's moans of pain. Petunia clapped her hands. Oh this was such fun!   
  
Voices floated down the stairs:   
  
"What's my name?! SAY MY NAME!!!"   
"Dudleyyyyyyyyyyyy!!"   
"Who's your daddy?? Who's your daddy!?!?"   
  
"Give him hell." Vernon muttered to no one as he tried to ignore the sound of furniture banging into the walls. It was distracting him from his book on how to be an intimidating bastard.   
  
20 minutes later Dudley emerged at the foot of the stairs.   
"Good boy!" Roared Vernon. "Did you beat him badly?"   
'What?" Said Dudley in a confused voice. Then understanding dawned. "Oh yeah," he smirked, "I gave his ass a good pounding. He almost fainted. Twice."   
"That's what I like to hear!" Vernon patted Dudley proudly on the back while Petunia burst into tears of happiness.   
  
Dudley merely smiled a mysterious smile and headed back upstairs, grabbing a bottle of chocolate sauce on the way.   
"Healthy appetite that one." Vernon said, smiling as he turned back to his book.   
  
End   
  
A/N: Now that wasn't so bad was it? Please review……I think I'm addicted. 


	10. Maxime In A Bikini

A/N: How do you make Flitwick Lear? Put Maxime in a bikini!! This is to the tune  
of The Owl and the Pussycat by Edward Lear, one of the few poets I like.  
Ironically, I just can't appreciate poems (except the funny ones).  
  
Maxime and Flitwick were going to meet  
In a beautiful moonlit glade.  
They were both full of hope and about to elope,  
As they knew that their love would not fade.  
  
Maxime arrived and sat on a log  
Ignoring a slight squeaking sound.  
"Oh lovely Flitwick, oh Flitwick my love  
You are the love that I've found  
I've found  
I've found  
You are the love that I've found.  
  
Maxime practised a bit, but felt like a git,  
So instead thought of times since past:  
The first time they kissed in the swirling white mist.  
How does time fly by so fast?  
  
Oh! And the first time they met! Fate had been set.  
It was def'nit'ly love at first sight.  
Sure Hagrid was nice, but he had a price:  
All of his pets loved to bite  
To bite  
To bite  
All of his pets loved to bite.  
  
Hagrid are you willing to make a big killing, of your pets?  
Roared R. Hagrid: "MY ASS!"  
So she dumped Hagrid quick, and looked for Flitwick,  
Finding him in a Charms class.  
  
Maxime was sick of waiting for Flitwick,  
And her ass was falling asleep.  
She got up and stretched, then looked down and wretched.  
Her lover was squished one inch deep  
Inch deep  
Inch deep  
Her lover was squished one inch deep.  
  
The End.  
  
A/N: She feels all warm and squishy. Either that or she sat in something. Get  
it? 


End file.
